You’re okay. In fact, you’re great. Then all of a sudden things stop feeling okay and nothing is great anymore and you can’t even explain what changed. Depression hits so fast that you don’t even have time to process what you’re feeling. It almost makes you feel guilty, you can’t really explain why you started feeling so empty all of a sudden. There’s no one to help you either, because everyone around you thinks you’re okay now. The worst part? You have to carry on. You have to carry on with all of the commitments you made while you were in your happy phase, when energy was always at an all time high. But now you’re not in that phase anymore, you just have to carry on like you are. And nothing hurts more than carrying on and pretending you’re okay every second of the day when your insides feel like they’re caving in.
So the other day I was feeling really crappy all morning, even though I was in New York with my best friends. I kept getting mad at myself for feeling so fat and insecure and I really couldn’t understand where it all came from. Eventually I started feeling better, but it’s like I had spent our last day in the city hating myself and being angry at the world.
I felt better when I looked in the mirror at Red Lobster. For some reason my eye lashes looked extra long in that light and I really felt like the prettiest girl in the world.
That night, my friend and I went for a last minute walk and stopped at a cupcake shop. I was wearing a red dress, a floral headband and it was obvious (despite my bald head) that I was a girl. This man came up to me and looked right at me and back at his friend laughing and said, “Look, it’s a cute little boy!!”
and then his friend turned around and said, “No i think it’s a girl, I can’t really tell.”
And they kind of just laughed as they walked out and waited for some kind of a reaction.
And you know what I did? I went back to the hotel and had a piece of my candy bar and ignored everything they said.
I guess the reason I’m saying all of this is because in the morning I resented the world for making me feel so ugly. But I guess I had to get my negative energy out so at night I could feel fabulous and unaffected by everything that happened. It just goes to show that everything happens for a reason. It may be dark now, but your light will be there for you when you need it.